So apparently my last blog post was on September 1st. Today is October 2nd. Yikes. That’s right – I went a month (a month!) without writing a post. In my world, that might as well be 10 years.
For the last couple of weeks I could hear the clock ticking in my head to write something – anything. To go a month without a post is a great way for me to go insane. After all, writing is my outlet, just like exercise is to so many others. Today – finally – I found some time to write, and I already feel better.
September was a whirlwind of a month – much bumpier than expected. I thought the second year of business school would be easier than the first, but I was wrong. New classes, logistical challenges and a setback on the job front made for a rough last few weeks. Sleeping became difficult again, and my heartburn returned, although not as bad as it was this time last year.
Although I’ve been busy, the other reason it took so long to write this is because I wanted to wait until I was level-headed again. I don’t like ranting, and I don’t like writing in the heat of the moment. The internet has a long memory – the last thing I need is to say something I will regret later on. Twitter has been the downfall of many for this very reason.
I like to think that I am capable of handling adversity, but I am still prone to falling into an extended funk when things don’t go my way. This last month showed me I still have to get better at remaining calm. I am not a pleasant person to be around when I’m sulking.
Fortunately, adversity is a topic I’ve written extensively about these last few years, so all I had to do was go back and reread (at my mother’s urging) pieces I’ve written in the past. The best person to give advice to me is, apparently, my former self. Reading these older posts was a useful exercise in remembering just how far I’ve come. I was reminded of how difficult everything was for me a few years back, when I was first trying to come to grips with a weakening body and the loss of many abilities. It put into perspective the challenges I’ve faced in the last month, which, lets face it, are minor in comparison.
My challenges today are more existential than anything. Class isn’t overly difficult, and I’m free during the day, so it’s not like I am overwhelmed with tasks, outside of a few meetings here and there. I guess part of what I’m struggling with at the moment is figuring out where I fit in the world. I feel like I am holding a piece to a puzzle, only I can’t find the puzzle. I can’t figure out where I belong, but I also feel like that I am destined for something great. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, but I feel like I am meant to go through all of this to help others. I feel like that is why I’ve suffered, and also why I am so willing to share my story.
Right now though, I don’t know what job that translates into. Should I get a real, MBA-level corporate job, or become a motivational speaker? Should I become a writer and write a memoir or a screenplay, or work at a pharmaceutical company? I don’t know the answer. Can I do everything? I wish, but I don’t have the energy to. I have to choose wisely. I also have to weigh monetary concerns – I have to make sure I’m earning an income when I graduate since loans will be breathing down my neck before I know it. I’m casting a wide net so I don’t constrain myself or turn away opportunities I may not have initially considered. I am open-minded, but with that mindset comes additional stress. I’m confident I can work, speak, and write simultaneously, but what mix of the three is appropriate? I’m not sure.
But, I’ve gotten through uncertainty before and I’ll get through it again. I’ll get through it because I have to. I’ve come too far – with continued persistence and a chip on my shoulder that has served me well to this point, I will become something. I just need to keep grinding and keep fighting. I didn’t come this far to give up now.